Safe for Davids Mother jokes.

[John25]

Thought for 2012:

Dear God,
My prayer for 2012 is for
A fat bank account & a thin body.
Please don't mix these up like you did last year.
AMEN!

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A married couple had been out Christmas shopping at the mall, for most of the afternoon. Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".

The somewhat irate spouse called his cell phone and demanded:
Where are you?

Husband: Darling you remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have the money that time and said "baby it'll be yours one day".

Wife, with a smile & blushing: Yes, I remember that my love.

Husband: Well, I'm in the pub next to that shop!

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My wife said that she was going to the Hospice Shop.

I said, "Get me a bottle, I've heard it's good for chilblains.

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An American tourist in London decides to explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences. No pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all no public restrooms.

However, he really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says, "Sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the bobby, "anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."



:cheers:

[John25]

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice glasses of wine

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from!

[Ovenpaa]

A Fullbore listoid! :goodjob:

[Polchraine]

Why is this in the "Test Area" ?

[Christel]

So that Ovenpaa's mother can read the thread

[Polchraine]

I thought that he might email them to her, one at a time!

[Ovenpaa]

She is a guest/lurker so does not have access to the jokes section and it was difficult to know where else to put this thread

This way she can pop in anytime and see what is new.

[bobbob]

She is a guest/lurker so does not have access to the jokes section and it was difficult to know where else to put this thread

This way she can pop in anytime and see what is new.

Didn't want his mum to know what a bunch of reprobates he mixes with

[froggy]

love that French Embassy one

[Polchraine]

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed that the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her, wondering what had happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"