Safe for Davids Mother jokes.

[Ovenpaa]

This came from Carlton Kirby...

TRY AGAIN!... Saw a big girl with a T-shirt saying: I love Hip-Hop... Obviously the letters "C" and "S" were missing :lol:

[MrD]

I was at an international athletics meeting last month. As I was walking along the track, this guy passed me with a huge long stick over his shoulder. I asked him, "Are you a pole-vaulter?"


He replied, "No, I'm a Czech, but how did you know my name was Walter?"

[Dave 101]

An old man goes to the barbers for a shave , He says to the barber because of my wrinkled face I havent had a clean shave for years , so the barber reaches for a mug up on the shelf and picks out round wooden ball and says to the old man here put this in your mouth , it will stretch your skin . When the barber has finished shaving him the old man looks in the mirror with pride at his clean shaven face . Then he looks quizical and says to the barber what if I had swallowed the ball ? Not a problem replied the barber you just bring it back tommorow the same as everyone else did . :shakeshout:

Dave

[Ovenpaa]

Edited from Chucks post

Irish Jokes

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, “do you want the
winner of the next race?”
Paddy replies “no tanks, I’ve only got a small garden.”

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the
police station.
Mick “What if one explodes before we get there?”
Paddy: “We’ll lie and say we only found two!”

A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake
to guess where they were going….. the driver won £52!

Paddy’s racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to
take it’s shell off to reduce it’s weight and make him more
aerodynamic. It didn’t work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the
police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a
bomb.
The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"

[bobbob]

A guy is driving around the back lanes of Shropshire.

He sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had lots of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten quid,' the guy says.

'Ten quid? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the garden'